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Our platform is simple: stand tall for the little guy, the middle gal, and the very confused voter in the back row.

We believe in:

  • Jobs for all (especially if you like name tags)
  • Free expression (even if it includes interpretive dance)
  • Healthcare that doesn’t require a treasure map
  • Bridges—not just metaphorical, we mean actual bridges—they’re falling apart, folks

We also believe every town hall should have snacks, and every folding chair should have back support.

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Gabe Owners for Tightsqueeze

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© 2025. All rights reserved. Gabe Owners—Owning it, awkwardly. 

DISCLAIMER: This website is 100% fictional and satirical. Gabe Owners is not a real politician (thank goodness). Any resemblance to actual persons, living or confused, is purely coincidental. Tightsqueeze, VA is a real place, but they had nothing to do with this. Please don’t try to vote for Gabe—he’s likely to accidentally declare war on Canada.