Gabe Owners Officially Launches 2030 Campaign… Sort Of
Published by the Gabe Owners – Probably Written by Gary
In what political analysts are calling “unexpected,” “unpolished,” and “deeply Gabe Owners,” local man and aspiring something-or-other, Gabe Owners, has officially launched his 2030 campaign for public office in Tightsqueeze, Virginia.
The launch event, which took place in the parking lot of an abandoned Hardee’s, drew a modest crowd of enthusiastic locals, two confused tourists, and one golden retriever named Waffles (who, for the record, is Gabe Owners’s campaign manager in spirit).
Gabe Owners kicked things off with a fiery speech about “taking a stand for standing tall,” which was immediately followed by an unplanned interpretive dance and a heartfelt apology for forgetting his opening remarks in what he described as “my other pants.”
A Slogan. A Mystery.
The new campaign slogan, “GABE OWNERS 2030 – OWN IT,” was unveiled with all the gravitas of a halftime show and just as much glitter. The crowd responded with polite confusion and mild applause.
When pressed on what, exactly, the campaign intends to ”own,” Gabe Owners responded confidently:
“Whatever needs owning. Probably the budget. Or maybe this sandwich.”
The sandwich, a lukewarm tuna melt, was later donated to a local pigeon.
Bold Ideas. Bolder Delivery.
- Free Wi-Fi for confused grandparents
- National pothole forgiveness (retroactive to 1998)
- A 24-hour “emotional venting hotline” for frustrated citizens
- Stronger diplomatic ties — citing a positive encounter with a Canadian tourist at Cracker Barrel
Poll Numbers That Might Be Real
In a poll conducted by his cousin Travis using a Facebook story and two post-it notes, the numbers speak for themselves:
- 85% said they’d vote for Gabe Owners if no one else runs
- 10% thought he already held office
- 5% were just there for the cookies
“This campaign is like a microwave burrito: a little messy, maybe overcooked, but still surprisingly satisfying.”
— Gabe Owners
What’s Next for the Campaign?
Future appearances are expected at the Tightsqueeze Farmers Market, the Rotary Club’s All-You-Can-Eat Chili Off, and Mrs. Eleanor’s front porch, where Gabe Owners plans to personally ask if she’s voting for him (again).
Stay tuned for more updates from the campaign trail—because if one thing’s clear, Gabe Owners is standing tall, slightly confused, but fully committed to… something.
📧 Questions? Thoughts? Sandwich donations? Email Gabe Owners at: Gabe@GabeOwners.com
📺 Watch the campaign launch video here.
🚨 GABE OWNERS 2030 — OWN IT (Once We Figure Out What “It” Is)
