Gabe Owners Grills Voters, Gets Grilled by Produce
Published by the Gabe Owners – Fresh From the Field
This weekend, local political hopeful Gabe Owners set out to make an impression at the Tightsqueeze Farmers Market—and ended up in a full-on produce identity crisis.
Intent on meeting voters face-to-face (and possibly buying radishes), Gabe Owners arrived equipped with campaign buttons, a clipboard, and what he described as “strong opinions and weak sunblock.”
The Cucumber Incident
Things took a turn when Gabe Owners picked up what he thought was a mutant zucchini and asked a vendor if it had been vaccinated. The vendor replied, “Sir, that is a cucumber.”
Undeterred, Gabe Owners held it up like a microphone and launched into a speech about agricultural freedom, calling it, quote, “a raw pickle with ambition.”
Market attendees were treated to a 5-minute impromptu monologue that touched on:
- “Farm-to-table transparency”
- “Community-sourced courage”
- And an open question to the crowd: “Is this organic, or just confident?”
Produce & Policy
One tomato vendor reportedly tried to explain the difference between heirloom and hybrid. Gabe Owners responded, “I appreciate your candor. Also, your carrots are suspiciously photogenic.”
At one point, he pet a head of lettuce and whispered, “We all start somewhere.” It is unclear whether this was metaphor or campaign strategy.
Polling at the Produce Stand
According to a snap poll conducted near the peach crates:
- 29% of shoppers found Gabe Owners “refreshingly weird”
- 51% said they were “just here for the honey”
- 20% mistook him for a farm-to-table poet
“I believe in a future where every tomato is respected, every cucumber is understood, and no squash is left behind.”
— Gabe Owners
Moving Forward
Despite the confusion, Gabe’s visit ended on a high note when he bought three ears of corn, complimented a stranger’s dog, and declared, “I’m not lost, I’m just politically curious.”
He left the market with two jars of pickles, a new button that said “I <3 Beets,” and a renewed sense of purpose—though he still may not know what a cucumber is.
📧 Questions? Produce recommendations? Email Gabe at: Gabe@gabeowners.com
🚨 GABE OWNERS 2030 — OWN IT (Even If It’s a Cucumber)
