Gabe Owners Mistakenly Joins ‘Hands Off’ Protest, Thinks It’s About Massages
Published: April 6, 2025 | Author: Team Gabe
As “Hands Off!” protests erupted nationwide this weekend in response to policies from President Donald Trump and advisor Elon Musk, small-town candidate Gabe Owners accidentally found himself front and center—confused, as always.
Gabe’s Sign: A Different Message Entirely
Protesters in cities like New York, Chicago, and Washington, D.C. rallied for workers’ rights and civil liberties. Meanwhile, Gabe was spotted in the crowd holding a sign that read: “Respect Personal Space”
“I thought it was a workplace massage consent thing,” Gabe told reporters while handing out granola bars and hand sanitizer.
A New (Confused) Platform
- ✅ Hands-On Leadership, Hands-Off Lunch Orders
- ✅ Protect Healthcare, Jobs, and Shoulder Blades
- ✅ Cut Government Waste, Not Trust Falls
Waffles Joins the Movement
Gabe’s campaign dog, Waffles, wore a vest labeled “Paws Off My Benefits.” She later chewed up a protest sign and rolled in a pile of pamphlets.
Final Thoughts from Gabe
“Sometimes leadership is about showing up,” said Gabe, “even if you thought the rally was about hugs and you brought too many juice boxes.”
And with that, Gabe tried to start a chant of “Space, Not Chase!” before being gently redirected toward the nearest Metro station.
