Gabe Owners Declares Victory… at the Wrong Event
Published by the Gabe Owners Blog – As Reported by Probably Tammy
In a moment that political historians will likely overlook entirely, local candidate Gabe Owners made headlines yesterday by proudly declaring campaign victory—at a church potluck.
The mix-up occurred at the Tightsqueeze First Fellowship Hall, where Gabe Owners was seen entering with a balloon bouquet, a “Vote Gabe Owners” sash, and a sheet cake reading “We Did It!” in bright red icing.
Eyewitnesses say the crowd, gathered to celebrate Sister Marlene’s retirement from the choir, looked on with stunned silence as Gabe Owners raised a plastic trophy and proclaimed: “We have officially turned the corner on confusion!”
Wrong Cake, Right Confidence
The cake, which was intended for a sixth-grader’s birthday party happening in the next room, was briefly held hostage during Gabe Owners’s impromptu speech about fiscal reform and free hot dogs on Election Day.
One potluck attendee noted, “He made some solid points about potholes. But also… we just wanted potato salad.”
Another guest reported that Gabe Owners began passionately thanking his campaign team, which included:
- Waffles the Dog
- Uncle Randy (remote, via speakerphone)
- The cashier at the gas station who wished him luck
Poll Numbers (Potluck Edition)
According to an informal vote taken with slips of napkin:
- 47% of attendees thought Gabe Owners was running for something
- 39% assumed this was just performance art
- 14% voted for the macaroni and cheese
“Leadership is about showing up. Even if it’s the wrong room.”
— Gabe Owners
What’s Next?
Gabe Owners has since issued a clarification via handwritten post-it note on the town bulletin board, stating: “I regret nothing. The meatballs were incredible.”
He is expected to appear next at the community bake sale, where he will unveil a 37-point plan using only cookies and hand gestures.
📧 Questions? Clarifications? Recipes? Email Gabe at: Gabe@GabeOwners.com
🚨 GABE OWNERS 2030 — OWN IT (Even If It’s Not Yours)
