Gabe Owners 2025: Standing Tall for Tightsqueeze
Welcome to the official campaign page of Gabe Owners, the only candidate bold enough to run for office with a half-empty coffee cup, a handwritten agenda, and zero idea how to mute himself on Zoom.
This campaign isn’t just a movement—it’s a minor miracle. Gabe Owners is ready to lead Tightsqueeze into a brighter, better, slightly off-center future.
Why Gabe Owners? (Seriously, Why?)
Because real leadership comes from real people—people who:
Once gave a speech with a microphone that wasn’t plugged in—but still crushed it
Sometimes wear mismatched socks to town halls
Think “infrastructure” means bridges and emotional support
Core Campaign Promises
Subject to change. Or forgetfulness.
📦 Jobs & The Economy
Gabe Owners wants more jobs in Tightsqueeze—especially for people who are tired of working remotely from their cousin’s basement. He promises job fairs, job training, and fewer job-related panic attacks.
🩺 Affordable Healthcare
Everyone deserves the right to see a doctor without selling a kidney to pay for it. Gabe Owners’s healthcare plan includes fewer “out-of-network” surprises and more free lollipops after checkups.
🌱 Environment
Gabe Owners is firmly against pollution. He wants cleaner air, greener parks, and a strict “no littering unless it’s biodegradable glitter” policy.
🚧 Infrastructure
He may not understand how traffic lights work, but Gabe knows when a bridge needs fixing. And if elected, he vows to fill at least one pothole himself. Maybe. With a spoon.
📚 Education
Kids deserve better schools, better lunches, and at least one teacher who knows how to work a smartboard. Gabe Owners promises funding for classrooms and emotional support for parents trying to do Common Core math.
Closing Message from Gabe Owners
“Some say I’m unqualified. Others say I’m unprepared. But I say—let’s do this anyway.”
— Gabe Owners, Candidate (and probably the treasurer, too)